Suck it up, Butter Cup

 

You may know by now that I’m a food snob, a grocery snob, a book snob, a movie snob.  Wow…I sound so wonderful!  Ahem.

Going to the movies is almost a weekly event for me…and I’m not talking about blockbusters (says the snob) necessarily…I mostly boycott sequels, special effects movies, and other things I classify as entertainment trash.  Now, I’ve become even more of a snob because I try to visit only the theaters that use real butter on their popcorn…not high fructose corn syrup or other synthetic “butter flavor.”

Thankfully, that also works to restrict me to more independent films and smaller theaters, so it fits in with my self-perception of haute film-goer.

And truthfully, sometimes the movie may be secondary to the buttered popcorn and milkduds and pop (not soda, damnit) that is the only time I’m allowed to partake.  Now, my extreme snobbiness forces me to notice that the amount of butter on the popcorn is important as well.  I don’t know if this can be classified as ‘refined’ tastes because I do remember eating regularly at a Chinese restaurant in Oakland in my twenties that I wouldn’t visit in my 30’s, or if I’m frankly just picky.  Pickier.

I decided to provide a public service and identify the optimum number of squirts of real butter on my popcorn seeing Annilihation.  Watching Isle of Dogs, at another theater the week prior, I asked for ‘butter but not drenched’ and he said “light?” and I said “medium”, and he rolled his eyes.  Well, that popcorn was so disappointing with its lack of butter that I resolved to measure the results and come up with the best combination of layered popcorn to butter.

My life’s work may be fulfilled after this.

In the middle of the movie, I had this thought! To blog about it and got out my paper and pen and wrote a note to self.  Okay, the movie was decent… I’d read the book and was impressed with the idea, but less impressed with the writing, and definitely have a girl crush on Natalie Portman and a serious crush on Oscar Isaacs (I call him my boyfriend).  Anyway, the popcorn.

Annihilation– 5 squirts halfway through, 4 squirts on top.  Important to have good popcorn when your movie doesn’t deliver the goods.

Isle of Dogs – not enough – didn’t finish it in the movie and didn’t bring it home. Sadface. It’s a good thing I didn’t have such great popcorn with a disturbing movie.

Tully – 1.5 in the middle, 1 long-topped one.  The clerk brings up a good point, though.  Perfect butter depends on the thickness of the stream and the ease of the pump itself.

Complications.

Also, I’m now embarrassing my kids as I ask the concession stand about butter standards.

Car Wash – Ha!  Not the movie, but an actual car wash across from a movie theater provided just enough temptation for me to grab a small popcorn while I was waiting for my car.  Sadly, I dropped the bag in the parking lot (yeah, I know $6.25 down the drain) so I don’t know if the top was optimally bathed with butter.  The middle layer was not. But the car was clean, so all was not lost.

Disobedience – 4 squirts in the middle, 5 on top.  Splashy stream, but not a long spray.

Wondering how many samples I need to eat for this blog.

Hereditary – damnit, I forgot.

Incredibles2 – damnit, I forgot.  But I did wonder why the movie wasn’t cleverly called Also Incredible, or More Incredible or something snappier than 2.

Damsel – damn near the best popcorn I’ve had, which leads me to believe its the theater as well as having real butter.  2 squirts midway, and 2 long squirts on top.

After 8 completely scientific butter studies, the truth is it will probably never be over, this pursuit of butteriness.  But well worth the trip.