Watching special effects action movies feels more and more like a trip to the dentist. It’s a familiar pain; sometimes a necessary pain. You know you are going to go anyway – hell, you are compelled to go – and can only hope and pray that you come out with just a cleaning and not a numb-mouthed root-canal filled afternoon.
I’d apply that metaphor to what may very well be my last action movie for a while. Definitely my last Michael Bay movie.
I loved the originality of the first Transformers, bought the DVD and have seen it several times. It’s funny, it’s clever, it’s exciting…but Transformers 2 was crass and inappropriately rated by the few people who makeup the ratings industry and their values do not equal mine. (Watch This Film is not Yet Rated.) But since I paid $30 for 3 tickets for my pre-tweens to learn the term ‘pussy’, I didn’t walk out. Maybe I should have. If I never had balls in my face before…I saw some full metal-jacketed balls swinging low in that movie. And if I didn’t know that the daisy dukes rear ass-shot of Megan Fox leaning over a macho motorcycle is some teenager’s bathroom fantasy and possibly a lot of middle-aged men’s bathroom fantasies as well, I know it now. Welcome back, poster girls alla Jane Russell. Somebody missed you…it just wasn’t me.
I feared that number 3 was going to suck, but I couldn’t stop myself. I know that Hollywood is playing it safe doing lots of sequels. Yet I couldn’t be the only one not to see it, as I knew it would be a special FXmas. Maybe FX meant Fuck-up Xtra in this case. I laughed out loud when cars bled. I giggled incredulously when cars frothed spittle in their vehemence. And I sighed in defeat at the pot-bellied loser of a transformer, who also drooled in an apparent lack of manners. Now let’s add the teenager’s fantasy with pouty lips and you have a movie! A movie where Shia gets scratched, thrown, torn and beaten, but the accompanying damsel’s shirt stays as white as…as pure as…the character she is supposed to suggestively convey.
I am not a real movie critic. I only play one in my head. The last few months have been a wasteland of special FX movies after special FX movies after superhero special FX movies. I love that my kids and I can enjoy PG-13 movies together, but that unites us in the action realm. I can’t take it anymore! The Green Lantern and Green Hornet made me green with…nausea.
Like the precursor to Transformers, the loyal robot might say to his human, “Danger Will Robinson.” Yes, we’re in danger. In danger of being stupid.