You Suck

You suck. 
No, really. 
You do suck.  
If you don’t think you do, you should.

Everybody wants everybody else to suck.  Why?  Honestly, I don’t know.  Maybe it makes some people feel better about the fact that they do suck.  Maybe they console themselves with feeling more important…you know…like the psychotic mother that feeds her child poison so she can feel needed.  What’s that called?  ‘Sick bitch’ is what I call her.

Do you empathize with me?  At work, does it feel like people withhold information on purpose?  Does it ever feel like people look at you blankly, and then paraphrase the very comment you posed, only moments later?!  Can anybody, besides me, do things on time?  Can you answer the actual questions in my email?  Can you at least answer my email? 

One of the things I’m really good at (and apparently really good at pissing people off with) is my ability to distill “blah blah blah” into a one-liner.  To take a non-answer and reduce it to the point.  I really wonder if, sometime, we should test everybody and just mumble ‘blah blah blah’ in a meeting and see if people nod in agreement.  Nobody’s listening.  Too busy sucking.

The other thing I’m proud of is that I have a (semi) photographic memory. I can remember verbatim what was said, especially if it concerns numbers.  I can recall specific wording on emails and text in books, all the way down to where the words were located on what page.

What pisses me off is when I can picture the answer and spit out the exact phrase, and people don’t believe me.  Or when I do math “in my head”. They look at me like I just flew in from Mars.

Maybe that’s why people don’t like me. (Mayhap it’s because I’m a cocky bitch and you can’t really tell me I’m wrong.  Cause I’m not.)

So, I’ll apologize for things I don’t suck at.  And I’ll work on ‘em.

I’m sorry for being on time to meetings.
I’m sorry for starting the meeting without you, even though you’re fifteen minutes late.
I’m sorry for following up.
I’m sorry for doing what I said I would do, when I said I would do it.
I apologize for expecting an answer.
Forgive me for telling the truth.
I’m sorry that you don’t believe me and will have someone else spend valuable time proving that I’m right.
I’m sorry for not repeating the same information that has already been communicated, recapped, and captured in the spreadsheet. (My sister was once asked to take a one-page report and distill it into a one page summary. huh?)
I’m sorry that I don’t enjoy churn.

Maybe people don’t like me because I wear my heart on my sleeve, in the form of making faces.  At orientation, i was called on first, because I “have a look of pain on my face”.  It’s pretty hard to fake my emotions.  I’ll either roll my eyes, lift my brows, smirk, frown, or scowl.  And those are just the non-verbal responses!

Let’s not assume that people who suck are only found at work either.  If you suck at work, you probably suck other places too.  People in states cumulatively suck at driving.  Bad drivers in Ohio?  in California? in Minnesota?  They suck.  We don’t.  They drive too slow, take too long, or cut us off.  They don’t use signals; they turn right from the middle lane; they drive slowly in the fast lane; they either take too long at the stop sign or not long enough.    They don’t believe anybody has the right of way, except them.

My  handyman sucks.  It took 5 different visits to stop the garage door from opening with a gust of wind, letting my cats escape.

Even after I’ve asked for help at Target, I still had to use my own deductive reasoning to find the right section for the lingerie bags.

But let’s recap. 

You suck. 
No, really.
You do suck.
If I suck (at all), it’s only because you suck worse and you don’t like that.


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