Potty Mouth

One of the nastiest things on this earth that we are forced to endure is…the public bathroom. Not just the obviously disgusting bathrooms at the park, sharing stalls with daddy long legs while cobwebs hang in dark corners as I wonder what crawls in every night through the permanently open vents, all the while sitting precariously on the edge of a stained toilet seat wrapped in toilet paper. I’m talking about all shared bathrooms, including the movie theatre, malls, and yours and my work.  Anywhere there is more than one stall or more than one family using it.

What gets me are not the invisible germs everyone else is afraid of, but the combined smells of every body who visits multiple times every day.  The average person goes to the bathroom 6-7 times per day.  The average person poops about 1-3 times per day.  Some of us do more, some of us do less.  And no, I don’t actually count the times when I go, but I kinda know it’s around 4.

But OMG, what horrors await on a bad bathroom day!  Almost every one has to share a communal toilet.  Women from other companies come to our bathroom. Why do they change floors?  To be anonymous is my guess.  It’s common to see a woman come out of the bathroom and go catch the elevator.  It is also common to see a co-workers exit to the lobby, then immediately go into that bathroom.  I don’t understand this phenomenon, as I would rather poo in the most comfortable location.  Home {toilet} away from home {toilet}.  And plus, I hate automatic flushing toilets…it always flushes after I put the toilet cover down, but before I put my pants down!  Then I have to start anew with a new cover.  Or else I find myself trying to stay in one spot to trick the sensor.  Or I try to hurry and sit down before the toilet cover is sucked away, only to have a bidet-type wash.

Who knew there could be such quandaries about going to the toilet? Tell me I’m not the only one.

Over the many years of contemplating the public restroom, here’s my not very pleasant, and not very politically correct, observations on bathroom use and how I make myself comfortable exposing my innermost bodily functions to virtual strangers.

1. Bad smells are caused by large people who eat such a confluence of foods, that mixing it all together, causes a funk unlike no other.
2. If you can smell ANYTHING before you walk in the bathroom, it can only be multiplied inside this windowless,self-contained room.  Avoid at all costs.
3. Avoid sticking a miniature chocolate bar in your mouth right as you open the door.
4. At the theater or airport, someplace where there are a lot of stalls, choose the one furthest from the entrance.  It might get less traffic.
5. If you expect to blow up the bathroom, don’t leave the stall until the room is empty.  Someone is waiting to see who you are.
6. Hide your feet so no one can identify you later!  Cause god knows that if I hear unsavory sounds, I look in the mirror to see whose shoes peek out or I peek through the door cracks to see if I know the person’s clothing.

Aaah. It felt good to get that out.